


Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High ? [ One Shots ]

by xieagle



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bottom!Calum, Cuddles, Depression, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, I hope so at least, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mental Disorders, Mute - Freeform, Non-Famous AU, One-Shots, Self-Harm, Smut, Top!Luke, Top!Michael, blind, bottom!Ashton, i just like bands and prompts, i swear it's better than it seems, like you might get a toothache, other fluff, other stuff, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xieagle/pseuds/xieagle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i like writing about lashton and malum. and i like writing one-shots, so that's what this is. (will probably be primarily lashton, but i don't know.)<br/>prompts are always open.<br/>i'll update when i can<br/>title from the arctic monkey's song 'why'd you only call me when you're high?', obviously</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr as xieagle  
> i appreciate all comments/kudos  
> feel free to leave prompts  
> lowercase (if used) is on purpose 
> 
> xx eagle

hello~ this is basically a bunch of blurbs that my mind has come up with revolving around the ships of lashton and malum (mostly lashton, though)  
prompts are always welcome, and nothing is too crazy  
smut isn't my strongest suit but there will be some of that  
there might be a few that are two or three parts, but those will be marked accordingly  
my schedule for posting this will be hopefully at least once a week, more or less depending on school and whatnot  
feel free to contact me on tumblr as well or if you don't have an ao3, i'll add that in the notes and whatnot  
i love to chat, so don't be a stranger  
and, yeah, that's all i can think of 

xx eagle


	2. thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ashton is a master thief with only a best friend that knows his secret  
> then there's a discussion of music that leads to something else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr as xieagle  
> this was also posted on my wattpad - eaglesshotgun  
> prompt is "thief"  
> pairing is lashton  
> hope you like it~
> 
> xx eagle

Ashton took pride in a lot of things he had. It wasn't much, but what he had, he certainly liked to brag. His best friend, Michael, always would give him a slight slap to the backside of his head when he went on about how he had a far higher muscle mass. Then Michael would always retort with how he was slightly taller. Ashton would then pout and talk about his hands were bigger, so obviously he was better. It had always been like that, and if Ashton had anything to say about it, it would always be like that.

Ashton took pride in a lot of things he did. Now, that was a lot. He did a lot, to say the least. He drummed like a beast, for example. Through everything he had done in his life, what he considered his most shining achievement was one that only Michael knew about. To be frank, Michael wasn't even intended to know. Ashton had tried his best to hide it, but it was rather had to explain away a situation like when Michael had come into the curly-haired drummer's apartment using the key he had made long ago, and found his best friend, dressed in black from head to toe with a vase that had been reported stolen only moments prior.

Yes, he was a thief.

Yes, he took pride in that. Probably more pride than he should.

At first it had been merely what he had needed. His father a was a man he had never met before - having left before his memory served. His mother had been trying her best, but desperate times called for desperate measures. When his mother had lost her job, her eldest child had taken it upon himself to do whatever it took to get food on the table - even if it meant stealing.

Looking back, he could fondly remember his first time. He had been sixteen, and he had viewed Australia as a cruel place to live. As if the continent itself had turned against the boy that was struggling to keep his head above the figurative water. He had left his house, needing to get something to fill his family's stomachs and there was but one idea that he could come up with. Of course no one suspect the skinny kid with hollow cheeks to go into the nearest store and make it out several minutes later with a loaf of bread and a large bottle of water stashed in his jacket that was two sizes too big. That's how it had all started, and it had stayed that way for several years.

Now he was twenty. The world was no less cruel, but Ashton had learned that it was most certainly a dog-eat-dog world, and he saw no happy endings in store. Not even his own mother had found out how her boy had managed to bring home food when she was unable to do it herself. She had asked on one occasion, but he had merely brushed it off, telling her he found a job. As far as he saw it, it wasn't completely a lie. Stealing was most certainly a job in his eyes - if not a career itself.

Michael hadn't been exactly happy when he found out. He had been shocked, actually. Still, he listened to what his friend had to say, and submitted on the terms that he could not be held liable in the case Ashton was arrested. Ashton had merely laughed at that, hiding the vase to be sold later on.

He had never been caught and never would be. He was just too good by now.

After four years, he had learned a lot. One might consider him a professional.

He went out nearly every night, took what he had to, and went back to his place whilst the cops went on a goose-chase that they would not succeed in.

One day he had went out to a place he took from often - a simple convenience store. The cash they left in the register wasn't bad, and when added onto a backpack full of snacks and a crappy security system, there was no way that he couldn't not steal a few things. Still, whenever he planned on stealing from a particular place, a few hours before he always went to scope it out. This time, however, was different.

Instead of looking through bags of chips and candies to steal a peak at the security camera, he was looking at the cashier. He was tall, he was blonde, he wore a lip ring, and was wearing a Nirvana shirt. In a nutshell, he was a dream.

Ashton had never considered a relationship. Not because he didn't want one, but because he didn't see the point of attachment. From his experience, he knew that there was no way that anything would stay. If it didn't leave by its own accord, it would be stolen by someone else. The only solution was nails, and then there was always a crowbar to solve that issue. Yet, this boy had managed to catch Ashton's attention.

For once, he even bought something. Didn't steal it, but instead grabbed a soda that he didn't need, along with a bag of chips that he didn't need. Looking into the glass door that displayed the drinks, he did his best to fix himself a bit before walking up to the counter and pulled out his wallet with his free hand. From this close, Ashton could see that the boy had the most beautiful blue eyes. Was there anything about him that wasn't perfect? Deciding to test it, as the blonde skyscraper scanned what he had put down on the counter, Ashton rocked on his heels for a minute before speaking. "What other bands d'you like?" he asked, nodding to the boy's shirt.

His voice was like literal heaven when he spoke in reply, "Uh... All Time Low-"

Ashton cut him off at that, a smile ripped across his features so large that it rivaled that of the Cheshire Cat. "No way, I love them too."

Several more moments were spent chatting at that small convenience store. They introduced themselves, talked about music even further, and several other things as well.

Two years to the exact day later, Ashton told Luke about his past. Ever since the day Luke had timidly asked Ashton out on a date and they had shared their first kiss, Ashton had felt no need to go out to steal anything else. It wasn't that he didn't feel the need for the familiar rush, and he had seen plenty of things he had wanted, but then he would think about Luke. How he had never stolen from that pitiful little store after he had first saw Luke. How he would feel if it the cashier or worker at said place of business was the blonde he loved, and how bad he would feel.

Two years to the day, when he had told his boyfriend what he had done all those weeks ago, Ashton had been absolutely terrified. Sure, Michael had handled it rather nicely, but that was Michael. This was Luke. The taller boy, though, he surprised him. "You're wrong, you still steal."

"No I don't I swear," Ashton had answered, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. He knew what was coming. Luke would get up from where they had been cuddling after another date, and he would walk right out of the door, leaving the ex-thief alone once and for all.

"You steal every single day, Ashton."

"I don't!" It was then that Ashton broke down, like floodgates breaking. Tears violently rolled down his face and dripped down his chin and neck. Even when the blonde moved so that he was facing his boyfriend, Ashton couldn't look at him. He didn't steal anything anymore, and that was the truth, as far as he thought.

"You do," Luke whispered, pressing a kiss to Ashton's already soaked and salty lips. The ones he had been so fascinated with when the boy with the blue bandanna wrapped around his forehead came over and started talking to him about music. The lips that he had kissed time and time again. The lips that had caused tears to form in his own eyes when they uttered three simple words. Pulling Ashton into his chest and rubbing his back, Luke rested his chin on top of the mass of curly hair that he loved to run his fingers through.

"Every day since we have met, you've stolen from me. You shouldn't be sorry for stealing my heart, Ash."


	3. i hear a second voice, behind your tongue somehow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt by an anon "n" who wanted a dosing of lashton smut with sub/bottom!ashton
> 
> or, in a nutshell, luke is sexually frustrated, ashton is torturing him without meaning to, and calum is scarred for life
> 
> xx eagle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said weekly updates, but i figured that since the first was already written, this is going to be counting as the update, hope that's cool with you guys~
> 
> as i mentioned once before, smut it isn't my strong point, but, you know, i tried, so hopefully that counts for something
> 
> title from twenty one pilot's song lovely 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr as xieagle
> 
> xx eagle

Luke was sexually frustrated. It was such a simple fact.

Whether or not his boyfriend was being such a tease on purpose was an idea he wasn't completely certain on. To be honest, he didn't have the guts to ask the older lad. Normally he didn't mind a healthy dose of teasing, but it was all beginning to be a bit much. There was a line to be drawn, and even if it was, Ashton had long since crossed it.

It had started on a Wednesday. A day the blonde could remember rather vividly.

They had been pressed together on the couch, lips met and sliding against one another whilst their tongues danced in the confides of space in and between their opened mouths. It was hot, it was slick, and it was something they were both used to. Normally it would end with at least the exchange of blowjobs and cuddles. Usually more, depending on what they had done that particular day and what they were doing the next day. 

For instance, if they were exhausted from a number of interviews or a show left them particularly drained, it would be something simple. Even a shower together and blowjobs under the spray of water was better than nothing, and made it possible for them to both be happy whilst not using up all of their energy. Other times, if they were both feeling rather peppy or particularly worked up, it would amount to Luke being buried deep in his boyfriend until Ash wouldn't be able to sit comfortably on his drums for at least another three days, no matter how careful the younger of the pair was.

Neither of these were the case. Instead, Ashton was just being a tease, and Luke felt himself slowly unraveling.

The exact cause of it was completely unknown to the singer. Of course, they weren't rabbits. They could go days or weeks with just small snog-sessions and be perfectly content. Nearly two and one half months left Luke jittery and bothered. His own hand wasn't good enough, and he was in desperate need of the drummer that was giving him little at best.

It had been a Wednesday, as previously stated, when it all seemed to begin. 

Making out on the couch with a bit of teasing was nothing new. Ashton loved to tease Luke, and both were perfectly content with that. So, it was nothing new when the shorter of the pair decided he felt the need for attention, and decided to do so by interrupting the movie. Crawling into the lap of his boyfriend and straddling him was the perfect way to do so, and it was only solidified when he pressed their lips together. 

There was no telling how much time had passed when the connecting door between the pair of hotel rooms that were being occupied by the four bandmates was opened and a kiwi's head popped inside with a simple question spilling from the lad's lips. "Hey, we were going out to- shit, put a warning on the door or something-" a flood of curses followed suit, only backed up by the slam of the door once more as Calum left, obviously to leave the two now-shirtless boys to do what they were. Luke had wanted to keep at it, figuring he knew where this was going. Ashton, though, seemed to want to be difficult, and pulled away just as quickly as he had started it all up. The curly-haired lad got up from where he had been perched, mumbling something about going to take a shower before they had to go to dinner so his hair wasn't completely messed up, leaving his boyfriend half-hard and frustrated.

\--

The past two and a half months had been torture for Luke. Tonight, though, he vowed it would be different.

The teasing had gone on long enough. What made it worse was that it wasn't the usual sort of teasing Ashton was infamous for. Usually he stuck to being a little shit, mumbling little things against Luke's pale skin that would make the taller blush and squirm. 

No, instead it was actions that confused Luke, and though it wasn't completely teasing or even meant in a teasing manner at least ninety percent of the time, it always started and ended the same way. Ashton would just seem so eager for attention, only to stop everything before they even got going and leaving his own boyfriend to wonder what was wrong. 

Don't get it wrong, everything was still great. They still cuddled and slept curled in each other's arms. They went together on dates - though if management or fans asked, they were just "hanging out" - and shared chaste kisses whenever they got the chance. Everything was fine except for their sex lives, and Luke was just sexually frustrated.

Tonight he was going to do something about it, though, and he had it all planned out. Ashton had been dragged along by Michael for pizza, or something like that. To be honest, Luke wasn't completely certain, just happy that he would have time to get everything ready and double-checked. 

About a half hour after he had made sure he was ready for the night, Luke could hear the sound of Ashton sliding his room key and the opening and closing of the heavy hotel door. From where he was in the bathroom, Luke looked himself up and down before nodding. Yes, tonight he was going to get lucky. He could just feel it in his veins.

"Lukey?"

Hearing the familiar voice brought on a smile, evident even in the tone of the answering words. "Hey, Ash, I'll be out in a minute." With that, he washed his hands and dried them off on a nearby towel.

When Luke came out of the bathroom, Ashton was already shirtless, obviously in the middle of stripping down to his boxers for bed, seeing as it was already late in the evening and they had been through a long day. Adrenaline, though, coursed through the singer's bloodstream, and he needed Ashton more than oxygen itself. So, it wasn't more than a second of passing time for Luke to stride over to where his boyfriend was, and wrap his arms around the lad's waist, pulling him against his chest and resting his chin atop the crown of his head. "Let me help you," he murmured softly, his breath stirring several hairs that stuck up on the top of the drummer's head. 

Humming thoughtfully, he pressed a soft kiss to the nape of the older lad's neck, feeling how his body tensed slightly before a nod was given for permission. "Oh, o-okay," came the response, stammered from the fact that this was obviously unexpected. With a smile against Ashton's skin, fingers calloused from years of playing the guitar reached around his slender waist to find the button of his jeans, undoing it painfully slowly, though with quite a bit of ease. The zipper went down even slower, inch by inch until he heard a soft curse from the lad's mouth, matched with Luke's own name. The tough part came next, which was because Ashton's jeans were always so damned tight, not unlike Luke's own. Thus, the taller of the couple had to move so that he stood in front of his boyfriend, close enough where he had to look down to look him in the eyes properly, but he wasn't focused on warm hazel eyes as it was. No, his attention had been drawn far lower. 

It was evident that Ashton was able to sense when Luke was up to, and wasn't disgusted by that, if you know where this was going. Instead he seemed excited already. Not waiting to drag it on any longer than he had to, Luke finally pulled the article of clothing down, leaving the other to step out of his pants and kick them off to the side.

"Now you," Ashton whispered quietly, and fumbled with the hem of Luke's shirt, looking up at him shyly, as if asking for permission. Ah, yes, this is exactly what Luke was looking for. 

It was only moments later that Luke was in only his boxers as well, their shirts, pants, socks, and shoes discarded. Ashton had been backed up against the wall beside the door leading into the rest of the hotel and the outside world, their lips fused together to the point where it was impossible to tell where Luke ended and Ashton began. Small whines were coming from Ashton, having been denied access to Luke's mouth, only to let out a soft moan when the latter licked into his mouth smoothly and hotly, just as been done so many times before to the point where it seemed to be practiced to an art. Unable to move due to the fact that he was against the wall and his wrists were being held in a vice-like grip above his head, Ashton could only lean his head back against the wall to pull away, a trail of saliva and a 'pop' coming as a result from such an action. Both of their chests heaved with effort to get air into their lungs, cheeks flushed red, and pupils blown wide.

"Fuck, Ash, don't stop this, please," the blonde breathed, eyes hooded when he finally was able to gain some sort of control over his breathing.

Relief washed over him when Ashton shook his head as best as he could in such restricted space. "N-no, I'm sorry."

That was all it took for Luke to know that this was going to end as he had it planned, and it was unspoken between them - just as it always had been - when it came to moving it to the bed. Ashton's wrists were released, but he wasn't given much time before he was practically shoved onto the mattress, left to crawl towards the middle and mentally prepare himself. When he next opened his eyes, Ashton looked up into blue eyes that he knew so well, pupils blown wide with lust to the point where majority of his boyfriend's eyes were black with a thin ring of blue, and he could only suspect that his own eyes were matching, the only difference being that the blue was instead colored hazel. "Luke, please," he moaned after a moment of the boy just staring down at him, a hand positioned on either side of his head to keep himself up.

"You have to speak clearly, babe. What is it you want?" Yes, after so long with such a feeling of sexual frustration, Luke decided that it was alright to see the situation calling for a bit of payback. 

"Touch me, please," the lad with honey-colored curled pleaded after a moment of just whining. "Please, Luke."

A verbal response was deemed as unneeded, and instead Luke ground his hips down to meet Ashton's earning a hitch of breath and a moan. 

Once again, a certain someone seemed to have awful timing. After several minutes of grinding against each other, Luke had decided it was time to get rid of their last articles of clothing and busied himself by starting with the older boy. Ashton, on the other hand, was a squirming and whining mess underneath him, needy for more and immediate contact where he was most sensitive. Obviously, they were both so preoccupied that just as Ashton's boxers were dragged down, they didn't notice that the door was opened. That is, until a shocked Calum let out a strangled cry for Michael, eyes wide. "My eyes! I didn't need to see that! I fucking told you that you two needed to get some sort of sign on the door when you're going to start fucking. My poor, innocent eyes," he rambled, obviously scarred for life. With that, the door was slammed shut, leaving Ashton giggling and both of them blushing madly. They were certainly going to be hearing an earful about this in the morning, mainly about how Calum would never be able to look at them the same way, or something like that.

Oh well, he would get over it eventually. Hopefully.

After a moment of giggling, Ashton looked up at Luke once more, head already back onto the pillows. His eyes had seemed to return to their lust-filled state, and there was a silent plea for Luke to continue what had been started. Who was he to deny such a request?

"I put the stuff in the top drawer, there, Ash," he murmured softly once his own boxers were tossed carelessly off the side of the bed. Those could be dealt with later, along with the rest of the discarded fabric that littered the floor. Right now was a space of time for them and only them. Clothes would not get in the way, and neither would "innocent" bandmates. This was the closest Luke had gotten in over two months, and his hormones were going to be satisfied if it was the last thing he did. "Open your legs for me, princess," he said even softer against tanned skin, only to smile when he had done so. The singer trailed kisses down his boyfriend's chest and stomach before licking a thick stripe with his tongue downwards from the lad's navel to his most intimate of places. Looking up through his eyelashes, Luke was more than happy to see Ashton's eyes closed tightly, one hand gripping the bedside table tightly, obviously trying to hold in a moan. Which would certainly not do. Not one bit. 

Deciding to step his game up a bit in an attempt to get the drummer to be more vocal like Luke liked him to be, he blew air over the now wet line on sun kissed skin, drinking in the small whine that followed suit as goosebumps began to appear. If there was one thing Luke knew about Ashton in bed, it was that he loved hearing little nicknames for himself, with his favorite being "princess."

"Did you like that, sweetheart?" A nod. "What do you want now, then, princess?" A soft whine. 

"I already told you." The answer was rushed out, Ashton's voice already raw from the sheer amount of want. 

"Tell me again."

Another whine came from Ashton's lips, obviously frustrated. He, though, knew what this was about. He wasn't giving Luke enough to listen to, so the entire ordeal being dragged on was his punishment. "I want you to touch me." This time it was Luke's turn to nod slightly, though he was obviously not satisfied just yet. "And then I want to feel your fingers in me." Another dissatisfied nod. "And then I want to feel you inside of me, and I want to feel you so much that it'll hurt to sit tomorrow-" 

That was as far into the statement as Ashton got before he was cut off by another of his own moans. His attention had been drawn to the ceiling from embarrassment at the words he had spoken, and he hadn't seen when Luke ducked his head down once more, this time to press a soft kiss to Ashton's tip that was already beginning to leak, just as Luke's own was as well. "Enough talking, babe, and pass the lube."

Ashton couldn't have obeyed fast enough, and though it was only a minute or so, it felt like years until he felt the first digit. Once Luke's index finger was fully inside of him, Ashton focused on breathing. He was used to this much where it wasn't so much getting used to the pain as much as it was prepping himself for moving on. After two or three minutes, though, he nodded for Luke to start moving, and he clenched around the first of three when it began pumping in and out of him, curling every now and then and stretching him.

The second went in with only slightly more difficultly. Since it had been so long, he was rather tight and it took him longer to get stretched out and used to it than it would normally, but Luke was being surprisingly patient. That's how it always was. They never legitimately _fucked_. It was always taken carefully and relatively slowly, depending on the heat of the moment. Sometimes they went faster, others they went slow until they were both just too tired. This time seemed to be somewhere in the middle. They were obviously both excited, but Luke would never want to risk hurting Ashton, so they would go easy so that it would be better later on.

When it came to the third finger, the burn and stretch was much more evident, and Luke took it exceptionally slow, going centimeter by centimeter, stopping every single time he noticed Ashton screw his nose up even in the slightest due to pain or discomfort. He had used more lube than he deemed necessary, seeing as there was a spot in the sheets from where it was literally coming out from the movement and high concentration, but more than enough was better than going in too dry. He was horny, not cruel. 

At last, it came to the time Luke was waiting for, and once Ashton gave him the signal that he was ready, a condom was opened in record time. More lube was added until Luke was slicked. Once he was lined up, Luke leaned down to his boyfriend to press their lips together sweetly in a usual attempt to distract from the initial shock and pain. Ashton's grip on the bed sheets turned his knuckles white, and he would more than likely have bruises on his hips from where Luke was gripping him. 

When Luke finally bottomed out, he stilled, fighting the animalistic urge to just wreck his boyfriend. The heat was just so intense that it left him panting and wanting more at the same time, but he knew the drummer needed time to adjust. Once he had, though, and nodded once, it was show time. 

Sweat gathered on their bodies, skin on skin, as Luke thrust in and out of his moaning mess of his boyfriend - not that he was much better. Oh how he had missed this feeling. 

The best part came, though, when he managed to find Ashton's prostate and hit it dead on, leaving the lad arching off of the mattress, moaning his name loudly. Fingertips gripping into Luke's bare back, blunt nails leaving numerous crescent-moon shapes.

How much time had passed before Ashton was thrown over the edge was a mystery to Luke. What wasn't a mystery was how quickly he hit his own high after Ashton. Literally seconds, seeing as the feeling of the lad clenching around him was what sent him over in the end. The bliss that followed the whirlwind of color and pleasure had them both feeling loose-limbed and giddy, despite the fact that Ashton had spilled out onto his own stomach. The guy was just too peaceful to care. Luke, though, was gentle when he pulled out, quickly discarding the condom and getting up to find his shirt from earlier and their boxers. Cleaning up Ashton and helping him get his undergarment back on once more, it was no surprise to the blonde when the older lad curled into his side, head on his chest. "'M sorry."

Confusion clouded Luke's mind for a moment, and he looked down at the hazel-eyed boy. "For what?"

"I wanted to, all of those other times..." he pressed on, either not hearing the question or just deciding to not answer. Either way, it was easy to tell by the slowness in Ashton's voice that he was fading into sleep fast, drained from the long day and their most recent activities. "I just... I just felt like I was always the one starting it and I was pressuring you into things, and I love you."

By the time Luke realized what Ashton was even talking about, his breathing had slowed considerably to the point where he was most definitely asleep. He merely shook his head and spoke one simple statement. "Never, I love you too." 

Then he drifted off into sleep, his sexual frustration no longer a problem, and he was happy and content in the arms of his amazing boyfriend who he knew cared more than anyone ever had before. 

\--

As it turns out, Luke did still have one problem. And it wasn't his sexual frustration.

Calum had most certainly not recovered by the next morning. Or the morning after that. Or the morning after that.

So much for him getting over it eventually.


	4. now you're leaving your cares behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calum has a girlfriend and michael notices a lot of things that sometimes he wishes he didn't
> 
> xx eagle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys~  
> so, this is kind of a little thing i thought up randomly, and decided to take it up and run with it  
> here's some malum with a side of lashton  
> title is from magic man's song nova scotia  
> uhm... i honestly don't know what else to say  
> other than the fact that i hope you don't hate me for the ending?  
> that's all 
> 
> xx eagle

Michael would love to blame the fact that he notices things on the fact that he plays a lot of video games. Some people consider such activities to numb one's mind and make them lose brain cells. While Michael wasn't a scientist by any standards whatsoever, he liked to think that this was not the case. Instead, he preferred to think that it heightened his ability to notice the fine details and analyze a situation. Since, you know, one has to use such skills to win in a game of FIFA or to play some sort of shooting game. If that even makes sense. Michael likes to think it does.

He had even tested it out several times, and noticed a lot as he had predicted. 

For example, there was the time on stage where Michael noticed that Luke kept sending small glances over his shoulder. It hadn't take much of a stretch to guess that he was looking at Ashton, seeing as he was the only relatively interesting person or thing back there. Then he noticed other small glances at the corner of his vision during interviews that passed between the pair, and he knew there was something more going on. So, no, he didn't think he was losing brain cells. He was gaining information to use later on. Which leads to the reason why he wasn't very surprised when the pair had sat Michael and Calum down and told them that they were dating. Calum had been shocked, but Michael merely shrugged and answered that it was about time they came out. They never knew that he had noticed the way that Ashton had put his hand on Luke's back during the interview they had been at earlier that day. Yes, it had been risky, but to someone without the untrained eye of Michael Clifford, it would be missed. 

Nothing got past Michael. 

At least, that's what he thought.

\--

About a year had passed since Ashton and Luke had come out, and Michael was noticing more than he ever thought was possible. Lately, though, it wasn't things about the couple that were all too in love. No, he was noticing things about Calum. 

And he was noticing things about the girl he was with. 

She laughed too loud at nothing, was one thing. Then there was the way that she flirted with everything that walked on two legs, which included Luke. Michael still wasn't sure which reaction was his favorite. Luke's silent shock since he was so obviously gay and in a relationship with Ashton. Ashton's shock that someone was flirting with his boyfriend, who was so obviously not interested. Or Calum's shock. That his girlfriend that he so obviously felt something for would even try to cheat on him. And with one of his best friends, no less. 

No, actually, it wasn't much of a contest. It was a tie, actually. Between Michael and Calum. 

The type of tie that left Calum locking himself in his room of their house for just under a week, only coming out when he needed to pee. 

The type of tie that left Michael lingering by his door for too long, wondering if he was even okay. 

Calum had been hurt more than Michael thought possible, and that hurt the latter. That was his best friend that he had known for years that were too many for him to care to count. Only he could do that to the bass player, and even he would never want to. Calum didn't deserve that.

The next thing Michael noticed about his best friend was the smile on his face one morning, phone in one hand and a hairbrush in the other. And not even Michael's highly trained senses had been prepared for what came out of his mouth. "We're back together!" He did notice, though, the tug on his heart strings. He also noticed the voice whispering that it just wasn't right in the back of his head. That he just knew that Calum was going to get hurt by her again. 

\-- 

Michael had been right. Of course, it wasn't much of a shock. He was too finely tuned to figuring things out. His video games were good at helping his abilities. 

He had been right on the level that Calum got hurt again. Several times, actually. and each time, Michael felt a hurting of his own as well. In the same place as the first, and only growing in intensity. Right where he supposed his heart was. Again, he was no doctor. 

He began noticing how each time, Calum would just lay in bed for hours on end, the television on, but never looking away from his ceiling. Michael doubted that Calum even heard the noise. 

The third time it happened, Michael was fed up. Not with Calum. Not with the hurt he felt. But instead with this girl who had a name he hadn't even bothered to remember anymore. She didn't deserve such a thing. Just as much as she didn't deserve Calum. 

After so long of just standing outside the closed door, Michael pushed it open, not at all surprised at the scene he saw. Three strikes and this girl was out, Michael decided, and he was planning on telling his friend as such. 

When he first walked in, Calum didn't move, not even to look up to see who had come in. Michael did take note, however, of how the younger lad did let out a small sigh when the door was closed once more. Silently, Michael laid down on the bed beside him, snuggling into his side, with the other boy still unmoving. The only way Michael knew that he was awake was the way his eyes blinked every few seconds and his chest rose and fell steadily. There was no telling how much time had actually passed when Michael finally spoke up. "What was it this time?"

Calum took a while to reply, but the guitarist didn't dare push him, instead staring up at the ceiling as well, blinking slightly when he finally got an answer. After so many seconds he thought he would have just been given the cold shoulder. "She said... she said that I wasn't with her enough. That I should be giving her all of my attention. That I'm more like a boyfriend to you than I am to her."

"What does that even mean?"

At last, Calum finally turned his head to properly look at Michael, who was snuggled close to his side. "She thinks I'm in love with someone else."

Michael merely remained silent, unable to look at his best friend. 

Though he had been trying hard to ignore it, Michael had been noticing more than just Calum's hurt. He had also been noticing stronger feelings for his friend. That he felt more hurt when they were together. He noticed that he wanted to be the one that Calum thought about at night, and be the one that made him smile. He would never hurt his friend like she had. Ever. So, obviously he would be a better choice. The problem? Calum was still hung up on some stupid girl that didn't even care if she stepped on his heart in her high heels or threw out his affections like a used up tube of too-red lipstick. Besides, Calum wasn't one to swing in such a way. Especially not for Michael. It just wouldn't happen ever. 

"Well, do you?" No answer. 

Calum's head had returned to its previous position, eyes focused on one spot of the ceiling. 

When the silence become overwhelming, Michael spoke up once again, "I think I love someone, actually." Michael had no idea what he was saying, and apparently neither did Calum, as the boy raised his eyebrows in the slightest. 

"Yeah? Who's the lucky girl?"

"The lucky guy, actually."

"Oh," came the flat reply, an answer that not even the gamer himself could decode.

"Calum..." Michael was still unaware of what he was saying. He had basically just come out to his best friend, and the words were moving too fast for his mind, even though their conversation was slower than two snails racing with bricks for shells. Calum was just so warm, and seemed so unhappy, and Michael definitely liked how they were snuggling, and just wanted him to be happy. To know that he loved him. Besides, Michael had noticed little glances over the years. Those that rivaled Lashton's when it came to sweetness. So, obviously, this was it. Calum would dump what's-her-name and they could both be happy and leave all of the pain and hurt in the dust. This was the moment. 

"Hm?"

"Calum, I love you." There, this was it. So, when they both seemed to sit up at the same time, everything seemed so disoriented and sped up. Michael leaned forward, into Calum, and their lips met, and it just all seemed perfect. He coud basically see the fireworks flashing behind his closed eyes. Yes, this was paradise.

It was cut short, however, and Michael was left alone only seconds later, the door slamming behind a fleeing bass player. The sound rang in his ears, along with a single word that made his world crumble. That made him think that video games did kill one's mind. That they made a person stupid. That Michael was stupid for even thinking Calum could ever feel the same way. He wasn't observant. Everything he saw was common sense that he took too seriously and sometimes he was lucky and was right in his views, and other times he was just naive. so, the single word ran through his head as Michael buried his face in Calum's pillow and sobbed violently in an empty room where the television was no more than just static noise. _"No."_

And, for once, he knew that he noticed something correctly. Two things, actually.

He was helplessly in love with Calum Hood.

And his heart was irreparably broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr as xieagle or on wattpad as eaglesshotgun  
> propmts are always open, feel free to comment here or send me a message on tumblr
> 
> xx eagle


	5. i read about the afterlife, but i never really lived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> previously;  
> "and, for once, he knew that he noticed something correctly. two things, actually.  
> he was helplessly in love with calum hood.  
> and his heart was irreparably broken."
> 
> now;  
> michael has been missing from calum's life for three months, and fully gone for two months. calum keeps getting ahead of himself in his story, he misses the comfortableness of michael's bed, and he recounts his experience to the only friends he has left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, sorry for taking so long for this update  
> things have been going on that haven't exactly been the best  
> but i finally talked myself into a sequel for the previous malum oneshot  
> this will be triggering and sad, but i tried to end it on a happy note  
> everything italicized is from the past. it makes sense when you read it, i swear 
> 
> i wasn't originally going to write this, but it was to help me get out a lot of things  
> a lot of this is from my own head as opposed to how michael and calum might think or act, so please keep that in mind  
> hope you like it
> 
> xx eagle

those moments had been so clear to calum. every single beat of his heart had echoed through his ears. the way it sounded too loud against the silence around him. these days, there had normally been some sort of other noise, even if it had just been the static of the television that he had grown used to. 

or the words he whispered as he stared up at the ceiling, wishing that the ears that were now deaf to his voice could hear him just once. just once, where he could apologize and try to salvage something. 

but there was nothing, and calum was getting ahead of himself. no, he had to start at the beginning. 

yes, the beginning. 

"- idea to focus on your other friends again, mr. hood -" a voice droned. he was too zoned out, though, as he lay on his back. the couch he was sprawled out on just wasn't as comfortable as michael's bed. and he hated the woman this voice belonged to. she didn't value him like michael did. no one did, he realized that now.

now that michael was gone.

"mr. hood, are you even paying attention?" the woman spoke from where she sat behind her desk. her emerald, cat-like eyes pierced through him like a pair daggers. going straight to his heart. it was always she, that told him to start from the beginning. 

"sorry, what?" he asked, for what was probably the tenth time within their past half hour together. it wasn't his fault she was so deathly monotone and that he was so sick of her. 

with a sigh, she plucked her glasses from her nose and set them down on the wooden desk. rubbing her temples with three fingers from her left hand, she spoke once more, sounding tired. "have you tried talking to your friends about what happened? you probably relate to them better than you do to me. unless you'd like to start at the beginning again."

calum sat up at last. his hoodie hugged his frame, seeming just a bit too big. everything did these days, as if he was beginning to shrink in on himself, and maybe he was. "ma'am, i told you all there was already."

"you've only told me what happened the day you found him, and my judgement believes that there is more to it that you would love to get off your chest. for your sake, though, i hope that you are right and i wrong."

the ex-bassplayer just shook his head, guilt nagging his stomach. he was lying, and he finally felt some sort of respect for this woman, but he wasn't comfortable enough to tell her. ashton and luke, maybe, he could, though. they were his only hope.

\--

"calum? you've been staring at the wall forever. is it really that interesting?" ashton piped up from where he was situated in his boyfriend's arms on the couch. calum, meanwhile, was splayed out in a nearby armchair that still just wasn't as comfortable as the bed he once curled up in so many times in the middle of the night. there was a movie playing on the television, but none of them were watching. they just liked to pretend they were. to pretend everything was normal and fine. but it wasn't. there was a spot in the room that was painfully empty. calum felt numb and cold inside and out.

one was alone.

two were pleasantly together.

three were isolated in company.

four was the only way things seemed to make sense, and that wasn't a luxury of theirs any longer.

even after everything, lashton was just as close as ever, if not even more so. they even had exchanged simple promise rings, which ashton wore on his finger and luke wore on a chain around his neck. calum really did wish that one day he would have something like that, but as of late, the future seemed far too bleak.

he had had a girlfriend, a few months back. her name had been rachel, and he had thought he had loved her. she was stunning, in his eyes. her hair was a chestnut blonde naturally, but she dyed it just as often as she changed clothes, so it seemed. she had been a handful, sure, and maybe she paid more attention to luke and ashton than she did to him, but he had tried to stay an optimist that it would work out. that one day soon she would realize that he was all she would need. oh how wrong he had been. michael had taught him that. that she didn't care about him. and thus, he had told her that she had but one choice; to stop her actions, or don't let the door hit her. he had never expected her to leave so fast. yet, he felt no heartbreak as he had all of the other times.

michael had been right all along. 

that's where everything went into a straight plummet down. again, though, he was getting ahead of himself. 

"calum?"

"sorry, what?" he asked, eyes trailing back to the pair that were fit perfectly together on the couch. 

it was luke that spoke first. "we're worried about you, cal. we don't want to lose you too..." he trailed off at that, and a hush fell over the once-bandmates. those days were long since over, even if it had been only two months since michael left them for good. 

ashton seemed to react instinctively to luke's obvious sadness and loss for words. he twisted his body slightly so that his side was now against his boyfriend's chest. he murmured something that calum couldn't catch, but luke did. the youngest of the three nodded once, and four eyes went back to calum. ashton spoke instead, seeming to pick up where it was left off. "we all miss michael -"

calum stopped him right there, shaking his head once before speaking, his voice going from its usual tone to near shouting. "no, you don't understand, ashton! you didn't see him like i did, you'll never understand!"

"then help us, cal," luke whimpered in reply, arms tightening around ashton once more. "help us understand."

tears began to cloud calum's vision, and he shook his head once more, voice cracking. "i can't tell you, you'll hate me. hate me like he did."

once more, some words were passed from ashton to luke, and only a moment later the latter nodded and finally released ashton, who immediately found calum's side. rubbing his back, the once-called "father of the band" seemed to transform into some wise old owl in the blink of an eye. "we could never hate you, calum, you know that. we can't and michael didn't."

"that's why he left. because i left."

"you'll have to tell me more than that, babe," ashton replied slowly, the use of the word "babe" completely platonic. 

"you won't hate me?"

"never."

"fine... it started when i was still dating rachel, and she had called me that morning, telling me she was thinking of leaving me for some other guy. she said i didn't treat her as well as i should have. that i treated michael like a boyfriend and she was jealous..." as calum went, the room around him seemed to disappear, and he was pulled back several months to the days he seemed to relive each moment of his life, both in the waking world and in the world of dreams.

\--

_the word fell from his mouth too easily, too freely. "no," calum said, pulling away from his best of friends, slamming the door behind him._

_he fled, tearing down the stairs of the house all four friends shared. it was nearing seven in the evening, but he was immune to everything, focusing on only getting out. he had to think, or he would go crazy in a matter of seconds._

_his best friend michael clifford had kissed him._

_and it felt good._

_and he liked it._

_feeling as if he was stuck in some katy perry song gone awry, calum found himself running out of the front door and down the slowly darkening streets. he had no idea where he was going or what he would do when he got there. his thoughts seemed to be chasing him and he just had to run._

_calum didn't mind the fact that he liked being kissed by a guy - it certainly wouldn't be the first time he had been kissed by another male - and he didn't mind the fact that he had an on-and-off girlfriend. she certainly didn't ignite such feelings in him these days._

_yes, he got depressed when she two-timed him, but it was because he felt as if he wasn't good enough. that there was always someone out there better._

_that's about the point in his train of thoughts that he skidded to a halt._

_michael._

_hot tears flowed down his cheeks and he leaned against a nearby tree, sinking down until his bum hit the ground. time was uncountable as he sat there, curled into a loose ball and sobbed. realization had hit him like a ton of bricks and he wanted to go back. he wanted to go back so badly and take it all back. to run to michael and kiss him again, because he now knew his best friend felt something for him that was more than their friendship, and because it made him feel good. like he could fly if he so desired. but not without his best friend. not without michael._

_without michael, life was not possible. he had known that for so many years._

_he couldn't, though. he didn't live in a romantic movie. they would not be having a passionate kiss in the rain where the screen would fade to black._

_instead, calum decided to be selfish._

\--

that was as far into the story as he got before tears began to flow down his cheeks once again. he stared at ashton for a long moment before looking back at the floor. no noise escaped his lips, but his heart seemed to shatter.

he had never told anyone exactly what had happened. not truly. 

not his therapist.

not luke.

not ashton.

the only person he had wanted to explain himself to was gone from his life. up and left, leaving only a note on his oh so comfortable bed.

calum had quite the habit of getting ahead of himself these days. he liked to jump to the end and see where everything finished. he couldn't, though, not yet.

"you're doing good, cal," ashton encouraged at last, breaking their length of silence. "d'you want to keep going?"

calum wanted to shake his head. to just retreat and go to that comfortable bed. he couldn't, though, there was still much left to be be said. so, instead of doing what he wanted and instead of answering the question, he just went back to talking. "i went out drinking that night. to try and forget. i was just so confused, and when i walked through the front door..."

\--

_stumbling a bit, calum's head pounded with each beat of his heart. he had been gone all evening. he could remember only bits from after he had entered the bar. there was a lot of alcohol, obviously, and a girl named erica. she seemed to be a good catch. she had long hair that had been pulled back into a braid of dark hair. her frame was nice. tall and full._

_calum would certainly say that she wasn't bad for the night. she, though, also wasn't great, and he left before the night was over._

_after looking at the numbers on his phone, it seemed that calum made his way back to the house as just past six in the morning. how he had made it in one piece was beyond his comprehension, but he certainly wouldn't question it._

_closing the door behind him left a slight ringing in his ears, which quickly made him aware of how quiet and still the house around him seemed. there even seemed to be a slight chill in the air that he didn't quiet understand. michael hated being cold, and would have turned the heat up. there shouldn't be a chill. not to mention the fact that when four boys lived together, there always seemed to be someone doing something, even so early in the morning. someone would be running to the bathroom because they woke up with a need to pee, for example. or another would wake up in the middle of the night with a dry throat because they fell asleep with their mouth open and had snored all night, thus in need of a drink of water. those sorts of things. yet, instead, there was nothing._

_instead of questioning all of these oddities, though, calum instead decided that it would be in his better interest to instead figure out excuses for everything. it was cold because michael had turned the heat up too far, had fallen asleep, ashton or luke had been too hot, and decided to turn it back down. and it went on and on like that whilst the lad slithered up the stairs to his room. the chill seemed to have settled in his very bones by the time he had it, but he gave it no mind. he was already asleep before he properly hit the pillows._

\--

shifting, calum hesitated in going on. picking up on this, luke broke his silence. "what happened to erica?" 

it wasn't a great question, the blonde knew that much, but it was something that would somewhat distract his friend for a moment. then he would be able to keep going for where he left off.

calum didn't pick up on this idea, though, and instead just quirked an eyebrow. "i don't see why it matters," he answered questioningly, but continued all the same. "i don't actually know, though. i never found her number of got a call or text from her," he finished with a shrug. then he continued with the story, jumping back into it all, feet first. "anyway, i didn't really notice anything had changed until a week later..."

\--

_calum had never considered himself overly observant. like, yes, he noticed plenty of things, but in comparison to his best friend, he might as well be blind to everything that went on in the world around him. he did have enough sense, however, to realize that the equilibrium of the band was very, very off. this unbalance seemed to be centered around michael and calum specifically._

_it had been a week, and michael had hardly spoken to either of lashton, and not at all to calum. he merely locked himself up in his bedroom, and came out rarely for practice when they so decided on having on. then he would only play his guitar, sing his parts, and that was that._

_calum couldn't remember the last time his bandmate had eaten anything._

_another week passed - so that it was now two weeks since that night - and everything seemed to only go further down the hill._

_michael still spoke to no one, but had given up on even locking his door._

_so, when calum passed by said room, something nagged at him to try to open it, only resulting in shock when it opened up. the sight he saw, though, made him feel like he was at the buttend of some cruel joke. but this was reality, not an ironically horrid movie._

_the television was playing, but it was only eerie static. michael's eyes were open, and he was lying on his bed, slightly off to one side, as if there was someone else beside him. his eyes that were normally glinting with a joke or some sort of mischief were instead dull. it was as if the lights were on but no one was home, and calum knew that feeling quite well, but came to the conclusion that it was much worse on the end he was currently on._

_walking into the room, calum shut the door behind himself and made his way over to the bed. swallowing thickly, he crawled into the bed beside his bandmate, even going as far as to snuggling up beside him. even michael's skin didn't hold the same familiar warmth he was so used to. it was both heartshattering and guilt-inducing._

_calum wasn't stupid, he knew this was his fault._

_it wasn't until the third week of abandonment that the hill seemed to have turned into a cliff, and evidently calum and michael had been thrown over the lip._

_every day calum would find himself in michael's comfortable bed. he would match the usually colorful boy, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. not once had michael acknowledged him. every now and then one of them would get up to use the bathroom. calum would sometimes go to get a bite of food or a drink. each time he would ask michael if he wanted anything, but there would never be an answer. still, calum would always get him something in hopes he would come around._

_he never did._

_one day, though, calum decided to be bold. tenderly, he took michael's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together, finding that they fit perfectly. just as he had expected._

_oh how blind he really was._

_for once, though, he did notice something that seemed so out of place._

_with the same tenderness, calum carefully turned michael's hand so that his palm faced the ceiling, just like his blank eyes. to the kiwi's dismay, white lines and angry red ones crisscrossed over the fragile skin._

_"oh, michael, no," he murmured softly. it was very often that calum would talk to his once best friend. he would recount memories, saying what had happened each day, even read off tweets from twitter from fans or their friends such as ashton, luke, jack, alex, or one of so many more. or sometime he just talked. the only thing he had yet to say was an apology. he knew one was very much needed, but he wasn't even sure where to begin. he didn't want it to be about himself, but instead about michael. but he also did have to explain himself. there was nothing to explain, however, when he was so caught up in denial and figuring things out himself._

_calum was just lost in a web of confusion, and the spider was coming after him all too quickly._

_if he thought that that was the worst of it, then he was so wrong. oh so wrong._

\--

hearing a whimper, calum hesitated. the cushionm beside him shifted as ashton got up to go back to his blue-eyed boyfriend. 

it was then that calum realized how much they had all been hurt by everything that had happened. it wasn't just all about him. if anything, it was just as bad if not worse for the other half of the band as it had been michael and calum. they had been kept in the dark the entire time. calum could clearly remember coming out of michael's room one night, only to be stopped by ashton. how they had wound up arguing. ashton had said that both he and luke wanted some sort of explanation. that they cared just as much and that they should be able to try to help. how calum had yelled at the older lad, claiming that he was handling it and that the other two would only get in his way. there had been so much hurt in ashton's eyes, but he had backed off after that, and the couple had made themselves scarce. 

they had never even been clued in as the downfall had happened, only had been forced to hold on for the ride. the pair had done literally everything they could, even taking over all four twitters, since michael obviously wasn't in a state to tweet, and calum was too busy trying to salvage what he could. had it not been for luke and ashton, the fans would have lost all touch with the band. it couldn't have been easy, but they had certainly seen that when this was all over and when the dust had settled, there would be no band left. yet they still tried to make it as painless as possible.

meanwhile, ashton had taken it upon himself to switch comforts over to luke, leaving calum momentarily alone. the eldest had always been rather good at comforting his bandmates. even if they weren't a band anymore, he continued this duty without missing a beat. he had been the one to hold the others together after michael had left. "it's alright, lukey, it's not your fault," he was murmuring softly, which struck another chord in calum. no, it wasn't luke's fault, it wasn't ashton's fault, and it wasn't michael's fault either. it was his own and solely his. yet his friends were forced to face the consequences.

the story was halted for the moment, and the comforting went on in its place. at one point calum joined the pair on the couch, the trio snuggling close together for comfort and trying to ignore that they were so obviously missing a piece to their puzzle. their dynamic just didn't work without michael, and that made it all the more painful. the four held each other together, and three just didn't get the job done.

surprisingly, it was ashton that stated the obvious. "we need michael." yes, yes, they dd. 

they had all changed so much since michael had left them, and calum had really only noticed the change in himself before now. ashton seemed smaller than ever, as if the weight of trying to supplement michael was too much weight for his shoulders, which it certainly was. he had also seemed to have aged three years in three months. he had trimmed his hair a bit a month back, which should have made him look a bit younger, but instead did just the opposite. his glasses still sat on his nose, but that appeared to be the only unchanged element. luke, on the other hand, also seemed to have grown up. he rarely quiffed his hair any longer, instead just letting it fall however it so pleased. he looked as if he was twenty instead of eighteen, having let his stubble grown out even more than ashton's. his eyes no longer held their usual bright blue color, instead having dulled down to a calmer color where innocence was no longer so prominent. 

"ash... can i finish, i'm almost done, i swear," calum replied after another length of silence.

in response, the older lad merely nodded, his face buried in his boyfriend's chest, as if that could protect him. after so long of being the strong one, calum could only guess the story was making him finally crack under the pressure he placed on himself. luke wrapped his arms protectively around the lad, nodding as well. he had recovered from his own moment of pain to tend to ashton now.

calum definitely envied them.

"after that, michael started to lock his door again and wouldn't let me in. i think he was scared that i would try to talk him out of doing something, which he was right with. he always knew what i was thinking about doing..."

\--

_four weeks._

_four weeks to the exact day._

_a week since michael had started locking his door again._

_with each passing day, calum was getting more and more on edge. the weather had taken a turn for the worse, and it seemed that there was a thunderstorm every single night. a little known fact was that half of the band was terrified of thunderstorms, with the bassplayer being one out of two. normally, in the case of such a storm, he would go to michael. the guitarist would hold him close under the blankets and talk him into a lull of sleep. now that he couldn't get to michael, though, calum was forced to face it alone, and he wasn't doing well. on the second night, he had been so desperate that he had gone to luke, but the blonde was too busy tending to his curly-haired boyfriend. ashton had been curled up tightly into a ball, whimpering as a flash of lightning lit the room. they had been too busy with each other that they hadn't noticed calum on the way in or out._

_in a nutshell, calum was a wreck._

_on the four week mark, however, after finally getting up, the lad was overcome with a need to go to the bathroom. groggily, he stumbled from his bedroom into the bathroom he normally shared with michael. he had taken a notice of the fact that michael's door was still closed, obviously not welcoming the lad in._

_a slight crash was heard, but the boy brushed it off as something stupid. like luke fell out of bed downstairs and knocked something over. it wouldn't be the first time._

_after relieving himself, he headed back towards his own room. he stopped in his tracks, however, to see the door slightly ajar._

_this immediately struck the dark-haired lad as odd. even when the door was unlocked, it would never been open, not even a little. unsure of what this meant and more awake than he had been only seconds before, calum pushed the door open and witnessed what was probably the worst sight he could ever see._

_the static was the only sound that filled his ears, despite the fact he was pretty sure he had shouted something. he wasn't quite sure._

_no, he was too busy focusing on the scene in front of him. his best friend was on the floor, sprawled out and lying on his front. crimson began to pool around him, and time seemed to have stopped. shouting once more for luke and ashton and for someone to call an ambulance, calum sunk to his knees. gathering the limp and very bloody upper body of his best friend, he felt tears stream relentlessly down his face. his eyes were shut tight and there was a vertical cut on each arm, which was the source of the blood._

_when the paramedics arrived in what was considered "record time," the were all brought to the hospital. if the ride and the waiting that followed wasn't the most nerve wrecking several hours of calum's life, then there was nothing that could be considered as such. ever._

_according to the doctor that came out afterwards, they were beyond fortunate that michael had been found when he had. michael had pulled through._

_calum had been the last of the three boys to see michael. ashton had warned him while luke was in the room that michael hadn't acknowledged his presence in any way. just stared at the ceiling the entire time. calum had merely nodded, too busy trying to keep down the guilt that rose at how hurt ashton looked. his voice had been so unsteady, and a tear had rolled down his cheek. without a doubt he was blaming himself, calum thought. that's just the person ashton was._

_when luke came out, calum could only suspect that he had received no better. tears were rolling down his face as well, and the last of the group genuinely dreaded going inside. it would be worse not to, he told himself. ten minutes would be a good amount of time._

_the tears had stared the very second he walked in. the sobbing came as soon as he sat down. a nurse came in after five to tell him that it might be best if he waited until he had gathered himself to come back in. at the ten minute mark, calum had already retreated to the waiting room, telling himself to collect himself. he cried himself to sleep in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, luke and ashton only a seat away._

_it had gone on in such a manner for two more nights. michael would be let out after his third night in the hospital._

_calum had not left the building once. luke and ashton brought him changes of clothes along with food. michael had yet to talk to anyone, not even the doctors, instead just giving small head nods or shakes depending on their questions. neither lashton nor calum had received as much._

_on the morning of michael's release, ashton and luke had agreed with the bassplayer hat they would go out and keep fans calm and he would take care of getting michael. no one had even considered the idea that calum would oversleep and michael would be discharged alone. which is exactly how it happened._

_it was over an hour after michael had left that a nurse roused calum. "ah, mr. hood. mr. irwin told me over the phone that you would pick up what michael had left. i guess you fell asleep waiting. just let me go get it for you," she said, and then was gone before the lad could actually catch up._

_when the nurse came back, the pieces were only just starting to fall in place. "here you go, don't worry i didn't open it," she said with a smile before walking away once more, leaving calum confused once more._

_sure enough, she had handed him a sealed envelope. not understanding what was happening, calum opened it, seeing as his name was written on the front in familiar handwriting. what he read gave him an unexpected clarity and sense of hopelessness._

calum, 

i'm sorry for everything. i wanted to be what you deserve, but i guess that just isn't possible. i'm sorry about that too. don't worry about it, though, i know you tried, but i guess it's an offense that can't be forgiven, what i did. i'll be out of your hair from now on, though. i know i won't be hard to forget. tell luke and ashton i said goodbye too. i'll miss you all.

\- m.c

\--

finally, calum finished his story, knowing that the other two knew what had happened after that. 5 seconds of summer broke up officially - though most everyone saw that coming - and no one has heard from michael since. his twitter began to gather dust along with the rest of his social media and the most recent picture of him was from over three months ago. it was as if he had died in surgery. 

calum knew better. he knew michael was out there, somewhere. he just knew it. 

there had been rumors that michael had been kidnapped from the hospital, or had died within two weeks after going underground. whether such a death was by his own hand, someone else's, or by natural causes depends on the theory you listen to.

for a while, the three lads sat there in silence. ashton had returned to his stop on luke's lap, arms looped around his waist to hold him in place. calum had stayed on the couch with the other two, staring at the carpet. luke had his arms around ashton - as previously stated - and his face hidden in the back of his neck. all three were crying silently, the story having brought up a number of bad memories and demons for each of them. without a doubt, none of them would sleep well if at all tonight.

\--

after that afternoon with luke and ashton, calum had been trying his best to get things back in order. he meant no offense to ashton, but the lad had been on the emotional downhill for a while now, as expected, and luke was keeping himself busy by tending for his boyfriend. thus, calum finally decided to stop being selfish. he was going to face the world again one way or the other. 

after what felt like an eternity, he went out in public. it was nothing big, but he got takeout for himself and his two remaining best friends. what kept him going was that maybe starting at the beginning wasn't always a bad thing. and neither was jumping ahead. one hjad to find a balance. he could remember fonding starting at the beginning with michael, and could also get ahead of himself and think about what it would be like to see him again. to see if he dyed his hair again. if he was still badass at guitar. if he had given up on calum. 

when he came back from his outing, he shared a rather pleasant dinner with his friends. there was no arguments, or fear that one would say the wrong thing and it would lead to an argument. they had just joked around without fretting. 

a month passed easily, and the three seemed to recover. they still were in agreement that without michael, there was no band. so that wasn't even an idea, but they were getting to do more things again. other than stay home, that it. 

and while he didn't mention it, calum could swear that he noticed that the promise ring ashton wore every second of every day had been replaced with what he could swear looked like an engagement ring. 

the same day that he noticed such a detail, calum logged onto twitter for the first time in four months now. what he sad was simple. he felt no sorrow for writing it, but it relieved a lot of weight from his shoulders. 

@calum5sos: it's been 4 months now, and it isn't how i wanted to say this, but i'm sorry for leaving you

it was simple, and immediately it seemed as if most people took it as a sorry for hardly tweeting or doing anything else. there were only three people besides himself that knew the true meaning, but only one that he actually would care if he saw. 

the odds were against him, but something made him write the tweet either way. so he must be doing something right.

\--

"calum! you've got mail!" luke shouted up the stairs. ashton had gone out to get groceries, luke had just come in with the mail, and calum was watching a movie on michael's bed. the blood stains had long since been cleaned, the television still had a clear picture, and the mattress would forever hold comfort. calum no longer felt sorrow or loss when in, but just memories. 

"just leave it on the table, i'll be there in a minute!" the kiwi returned, finding the television remote to pause the movie. 

descending the stairs, he was quick to find the letter addressed to him. the return address was smudged and unreadable, but the ex-bassplayer paid it no mind, whistling happily and casually as he opened it up. the letter was handwriiten, and the writing along was enough to make the whistling stop and make calum freeze. 

calum,

i saw your tweet. i'm sorry for leaving you too. if you want to be sorry together... i'll always be waiting for you.

\- m.c

at the bottom of the letter there was an address to an apartment in new york city. 

\-- 

the plane ride had been torturous. calum had left the night he got the letter, only explaining to ashton and luke that someone he was very close with wanted to meet him in new york for a few days. while he didn't say michael's name - needing to see the lad before he got their hopes up - he had an inkling that they had their suspicions. thankfully, they didn't press for any more details and just helped him book the last minute flight and pack a small bag.

it was nearing five in the morning when calum stumbled to the apartment building. pressing the button to ring up to the resident of the apartment, rain drizzled down and sent a chill through his bones. it was cold out, and the wind and rain showed calum no mercy. there was no response to the ringing, and he felt bad pressing the button as many times as he had. after what was either the tenth or eleventh press, he gave up, seeing as it was such an odd hour. 

slinging his soaked bag over his shoulder, he turned and got about two steps before footsteps rang to his ears, even through the lobby doors. 

and there stood the lad he had been wanting to see for months now. 

and despite the fact it was a quarter after five in the morning, calum dropped his bag into a puddle and began sobbing when he heard his name. he had wanted to hear that voice for so long. "michael," he choked out, just in time to be pulled into a hug in the middle of piercing rain that only grew evermore relentless. it didn't matter, though, they were together again. "i'm so sorry," he sobbed into the lad's t-shirt.

"calum, i know. i love you."

"i love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record, this was not intended to be as long as it is, but oh well
> 
> you can find me on tumblr as xieagle and on wattpad as eaglesshotgun  
> prompts and requests are always open, either comment below or send me a message on tumblr
> 
> xx eagle


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